Sheepskin Rug is as soft as a hugAnd hopelessly in love with the neighbourhood pug.She finds his faint wheezing incredibly pleasing,And his four legs remind her of the ones she used to have.

Oh look! A tangerineSitting in the fruit bowl.Larger than a clementineAnd smaller than an orange.Wowee! A tangerineRolling down the staircase,Looking like a bowling bowlRolling down a staircase.Fucking hell, a tangerinePointing its gun at a bank clerk.It’s actually just a very tanned man,I mustn’t keep forgetting my glasses.

There in the corner sits District Line Train CarDrinking his sorrows away at the barHe dreamed of becoming a New York financierWith a big golden Rolex on his bright yellow handrailsOn his fifth whiskey is District Line Train CarHand on his Temple where his front doors don’t openTrying to pinpoint the relevant crossroadsThat sealed his…

I met a truly giant ladIn a service station near ManchesterI told him where I’d been an undergradBut he seemed a little bit skeptical He was a hundred times the size of meAnd I met him again around HertfordshireHe seemed a little confused, I thought,When I told him about my PhD Another time, before I’d uttered…

I met a man the size of my thumbWith a feathery hat and a sideways smileAnd he said he was a Trinity Dublin alumAnd I told him I didn’t believe him one bitI met the thumb-sized man twice moreOnce halfway between Bedford and Welwyn Garden CityAnd he told me he’d attended Queen Mary’s BelfastAnd I…

I applied for a job with an advert that read:

When I was working my first retail job I attended a man and his husky He said “this little furball’s Mahogany Tim And my name is Corporal McClusky” I helped them in finding the cereal aisle And showed them the variety of muesli I leant down to pet Mahogany Tim But to my great surprise…

Pistachio Nut is small and greenAnd dreams of being an ombudsmanHe’s mild and subtle and buttery smoothWhich he thinks would be welcomed by disgruntled complainants His teachers inform him he’ll need better gradesAnd to stop being quite so naive and insane“An ombudsman is always level-headed and sensibleYou’re destined to be snack food at an upper…

Bees Jellyfish Englishmen in New York

Ptolemy the monkey Was always feeling funky He did not like the produce At his local Italian deli Ptolemy the monkey Was a charcuterie junkie But the ham the local deli sold Was foul tasting and smelly