I met a truly giant ladIn a service station near ManchesterI told him where I’d been an undergradBut he seemed a little bit skeptical He was a hundred times the size of meAnd I met him again around HertfordshireHe seemed a little confused, I thought,When I told him about my PhD Another time, before I’d uttered…

I met a man the size of my thumbWith a feathery hat and a sideways smileAnd he said he was a Trinity Dublin alumAnd I told him I didn’t believe him one bitI met the thumb-sized man twice moreOnce halfway between Bedford and Welwyn Garden CityAnd he told me he’d attended Queen Mary’s BelfastAnd I…

I applied for a job with an advert that read:

When I was working my first retail job I attended a man and his husky He said “this little furball’s Mahogany Tim And my name is Corporal McClusky” I helped them in finding the cereal aisle And showed them the variety of muesli I leant down to pet Mahogany Tim But to my great surprise…

Pistachio Nut is small and greenAnd dreams of being an ombudsmanHe’s mild and subtle and buttery smoothWhich he thinks would be welcomed by disgruntled complainants His teachers inform him he’ll need better gradesAnd to stop being quite so naive and insane“An ombudsman is always level-headed and sensibleYou’re destined to be snack food at an upper…

Bees Jellyfish Englishmen in New York

Ptolemy the monkey Was always feeling funky He did not like the produce At his local Italian deli Ptolemy the monkey Was a charcuterie junkie But the ham the local deli sold Was foul tasting and smelly

Clad in purple leather comes Aubergine Gina Ready for a busy day of couriering There are letters and parcels and the occasional subpoena  She’s pliant on the outside and mushier in Aubergine Gina in her pointy green hat Is enjoyed by vegetarians in many kinds of curry Couriering this way and couriering that Always in…

They asked him to plant a bandanna tree And he considered there might have been a typo He usually dealt with fruit and veg And he wondered where he’d source the seeds

Pincushion Bill is a very small man With a soft and pillowy exterior He absorbs the unpleasantries of many sharp pricks Which is how he got his nickname